Who Am I?

 Who Am I? 

I think, I feel, I am convinced that I live in this world surrounded by other people, animals, plants on this planet we call Earth. But actually the “I” I associate myself with doesn’t exist.

There exist a few unique, empirical, natural scientists who tell me that I was created by a single, all encompassing source, and the purpose of my creation, the purpose of my existence is to reveal the source that created me. 

But I don’t feel this source and according to those scientists the “I” I always thought was my “self” allegedly doesn’t actually exist. All I have is a point of conscious observer searching for contact with its source by asking the question “what is the meaning of my life?”. And right now this searching point seemingly resides in a temporary physical body.

The only reason I know that this point exists is the burning question about the meaning of my life, a question I can’t quench anymore.

So who am I?


Trying To Escape Who “I” Am

As those scientists with “inside knowledge” of the system of reality explain, “I” am everything else but the physical body, the personality I think I am right now. Everything I perceive around “me”, people, animals, plants, the cosmic Universe, that quantum reality scientists try to unlock is the real , my “true self”, bonded together with its creating source.

But of course I don’t know this, I can’t accept this since at the moment I “know and feel” that I am the person, the body I feel as mine. And whatever is around me is alien to me.

Moreover since “I”, this person I consider as my “self” was born into an instinctively self-serving, self-justifying and self-protective nature, everything that is outside of “me” I consider as potential threat, enemy to my “self”.

I hear, I learn from those unique scientists that as long as I stay within my “present, egocentric self” I can’t find my “true quantum-self”, and have no chance of revealing my source. Moreover without revealing who I really am, without finding my source I won’t be able to sense my true, boundless existence beyond this material reality.

And as i remain locked inside this illusory, material state, even my present life will become more and more difficult, painful as I don’t actually know the laws, principles of the general system I exist in.

I can only find this source when I exit who “I” am right now, and help my conscious observer point dissolving into my “true self”, into the vast, quantum reality outside of “me”, into everything else that is not connected to my “present, subjective self”.

Of course one can’t just decide and simply jump out of oneself, one can’t even wish, desire from within one’s inherent “self” to escape”itself”. A prisoner needs external help to escape. 

Thus I need a special team, I need a close knit, mutual commando from those “other” parts of “me” that are still seemingly outside of “me”, that I still consider as my competitions and potential enemies.

I need a unique commando from “others” with similar aspirations with a single purpose, for the members of the commando to liberate one another from their “unreal, present self” so we can collectively find our “real, true self” together, and through it reveal our source. 


From Dissimilar To Similar 

I need to reveal the source that created me through my “true self”. Revelation, connection, attainment happens through reaching similarity of form, similarity of qualities in between the researcher and the researched. When that similarity is reached the researched and the research bond together.

In order for a creature to reveal, attain its source they have to become similar at least to a certain extent. On the other hand if a creature was born similar to its source, it could never actually reveal, observe that source, since through their inherent similarity the creature would simply dissolve, disappear in its source, would never know anything different.

It would be like trying to write with white ink on white pages. Without contrast, comparative research one can’t recognize one thing from another. Without hot we would never know cold, and without sweet we would never know bitter. True love is built and sustained above true hate.

Thus for a conscious creature to exist, it needs to be created dissimilar, separate from to the source in order to provide such contrast, opportunity for comparative research.

Of course after being born with different qualities, different form the creature has no capability of revealing, attaining its source. It would be like a blind man trying to describe a painting never seen.

So the creature needs to be created as dissimilar, separate on one hand but at the same time it needs to be able to acquire a desire, irrepressible yearning to reveal its source. It is similar to those princes in fairy takes who are sent away by the king, only in order to find their way back and merit to become kings themselves.

And then such dissimilar creature also needs a chance and a practical method of proactively changing itself from dissimilar to similar, to acquire a “special external clothing” over the inherently dissimilar matter. This special clothing needs to resemble the source in order to reveal and attain it despite the underlying opposite qualities.

Desire And Intention

Our inner matter that creates our separation making us dissimilar to our source is our inherent desire for self-preservation, self-justification. All our life is focused on fulfilling our own necessity, drawing everything possible towards ourselves. While our source is an omnipotent, natural force, creating and nurturing life we ourselves are created beings fully dependant on our source.

The “clothing” potential cover over this inherent desire is the intention, purpose. By default most of us don’t even think about an intention over our actions, we don’t think about overall purpose of existence, we just simply exist from the moment of birth, chase natural and artificial, socially induced necessities while we live, and then disappear from this life.

When we become aware of our intention, purpose putting it under special scrutiny we realize that the intention we are born with, our instinctive operating software is solely selfish and egoistic. We can’t make calculations for anything else but for our own “selves”.

It is this self-serving intention that can – through unique, purposeful circumstances – be changed to a different one, and used as the “special clothing” in order to reach similarity with our source.


Needing A Simulator

The practical method of reaching such similarity is simple.

The creature, the human being asking about the meaning of its life, needs the opportunity, a safe environment first of all to reveal its difference and separation from its source. In a unique “human laboratory” as part of the above mentioned commando one reveals that purely self-serving intention one is born with.

Then one needs the environment’s help, support to make that dissimilarity so hated, so intolerable that the creature develops an elemental yearning towards reaching similarity with the source and the subsequent revelation, that dwarfs all other desires.

The main problem is that our inherently self-serving, self-justifying, self-protective nature doesn’t want to allow us to reach such “self-defeating” yearning. One simply can’t see faults, mistakes, sins in oneself to the extent that one would yearn for true self-correction, self-annulment. Our self-protective reflexes would never allow it.

Purposeful Breaking

The self needs to be tricked into such “self-defeating self-transformation”. 

Initially there was only one, single creature, a single desire created. But as described above a single creature that is separate, qualitatively opposite to its source has no chance of revealing its source. Due to the inherent dissimilarity the creature doesn’t even have enough contact with the source in order to receive education, an upgrade from it.

Thus the creature needs a temporary, intermediary training facility, a simulator in order to gain that new intention, the special clothing, similarity of form so it could get in contact with its source and start learning from it.

For that reason the initially single, unified creature, desire was shattered, divided into myriads of fragments, painting a seemingly complex natural world with the inanimate, vegetative and animate and human evolutionary levels in it.

And although apart from human beings all other parts of the system instinctively feel as integral parts of the same unified, fully integrated entity as cells, organs of the same body instinctively bonded with their source, human beings all feel separated not only from the system but also from each other.

While all other elements instinctively exist integrated with each other, keeping a mutual guarantee – selflessly, altruistically, unconditionally serving the while collective while blindly trusting the collective for their own survival – human beings exist separately, isolated, ruthlessly competing with each other for necessities and survival. 

The above mentioned self-serving intention acts as an invisible but unbreakable wall maintaining mutual distrust. This selfish, egoistic intention “set-up” those subjective, introverted observers feeling themselves outside of the system.

And those subjective observers watch the rest of the system with grave distrust. And that mutual distrust makes it impossible for human beings to build a state of mutual guarantee in human society.

Most people in the world would immediately reject the idea that everything they see around them is integral parts of their own being. After all despite all the mounting evidence people still have difficulties digesting the fact that humanity has evolved into a globally interconnected and interdependent system. As a result the global crisis is deepening, proving unsolvable since people are unable to build mutually complementing cooperation due to the lack of basic mutual trust in between them.

Thus how could they accept that those suspected, hated, rejected others are actually their own integral parts? How could they agree that those “others” are more real and more important than the very body, personality they consider “their own” right now?

Only those with an already burning and irrepressible desire towards revealing the source of their lives entertain – grudgingly – this idea of their true “self” being scattered all around them in everybody and everything else that is outside of their “selves”.

These are the people who “heroically”, against their inherent inclination start building and using the above mentioned mutual, purposeful commando.


Playing Love

Thus in a uniquely organized and purposeful environment, people with a burning point towards revealing, attaining the source of their existence start playing a game. Although by their inherent nature, inherent perception and inherent reason they can’t imagine or even comprehend how those others would be their all important “true selves” instead of their present one, they start pretending as if those others would be as important to them as their own “selves”.

They start acting out the principle of “love others as yourself” in a committed, consistent, day to day, practical manner. They aim to reach a certain “brotherly love” towards one another that would become stronger than the instinctive self-love they have by default.


The Egoistic, Subjective Judge

This is of course much more difficult than it sounds. It is actually almost impossible.

We perceive the world and everybody else in it according to our own heavily filtered, completely subjective perception. Reality around us that is created by that single, all-encompassing force is truly perfect, all elements perfectly complementing each other comprising a single impeccable whole, like a magnificent cosmic orchestra playing together perfectly tuned. But our self-serving, subjective perception measures, judges everything according to the completely self-centered, subjective “pleasure/pain principle”.

Which means I only see parts of reality that are directly relate to “me” receiving more pleasure, and “me” moving as far away as possible from painful stimuli. Thus I see only a small, personal fragment of reality where everything is categorized according to whether the elements, objects, events and people in it are “sweet or bitter” for my inherent taste. Thus I don’t see reality as it is, I see reality how my personal, subjective observer judges it.

As a result even in this intimate, mutual commando, simulator the more effort we put in to reach the desired “love of others” – trying to build a nature-like mutual guarantee over the instinctive self-love – the more our inherent selfish and egoistic judge starts showing us those others – the parts of my true self – as useless, lazy, undeserving, revolting and hateful.

I don’t see them as they are, I see them how my own self- centered, egoistic, subjective judge sees them. In truth I don’t actually see them but I see in them my own imperfections reflecting back to me. The picture of the commando I see is like a unique 3D x-ray of my own negative qualities projected outwards into the world around me.


Turning The Demand For Fulfilment Into Demand For Bestowal

Which broken picture, being surrounded by those “worthless others” is just perfect, as it paves the way for the correction we need to achieve in order to reach similarity and contact with our source.

In order to make contact with the source, nature’s creating force, I would need to acquire its selfless, altruistic, unconditionally loving and caring qualities above my own selfish, egoistic ones. I am just a creature that has only one action it is capable of, which is asking for, demanding and then receiving necessities, fulfillment for sustaining its own existence.

So when I realized the need for correction I can’t perform correction by myself, on myself, not even through the unique, mutual commando. I have to ask our source, the single governing natural force to perform the necessary correction. This source created our original nature with its original selfish qualities, egoistic intention, thus only this source can give us a new one.

What we can, have to do is reaching a true request, demand that is qualitatively and quantitatively strong enough to merit an answer for such a self-change.

On the other hand I can’t honestly ask for direct self-correction for myself as my inherently selfish, egoistic, self-justifying nature can never agree that it needs correction, and it can never agree for its own self-annulment. Moreover if I ask for myself, even if I ask to become similar to the source, I am still making a selfish request thus my separation, dissimilarity with the source remains, even increases further.

But I can ask correction for those “others” who – through my selfish, subjective perception – I see in a negative, broken state anyway. Thus if I can reach a true, honest demand towards the still invisible source to help those seemingly imperfect, hapless “others” in the circle – so they could reach selfless, altruistic, unconditional mutual service, complementing collaboration with one another, providing them with initial similarity with the source – my request becomes in effect altruistic bestowal since I am asking for those “others”. 

I am still asking for fulfilment, but my intention is aimed towards others, “outside of my inherent self”.


Entering The Circle

My initial reaction towards those “others” in the circle, based on my inherent nature is always negative judgement and criticism. But if I can keep remembering the single, all encompassing creating source behind them, manipulating them, I can stop blaming, hating those others for the negative qualities I see in them.

Instead I can start turning towards the source with my claims, demands since after all it is the all encompassing source that created those “others” with the qualities, characteristics my subjective observer, selfish judge deems negative and repulsive. Thus it is pointless asking those others to change, waiting for them to regret things and want to be different.

From their point of view they are already doing everything 100%, perfectly to their maximum ability. They are simply performing their roles towards me like supporting actors in a movie. My business is with the creating source, as only the source can change, help those “others” in order to connect and become successful in building the necessary mutual guarantee. While in truth it is not those “others” that receive coercion, but it is my own, subjective, distorted perception.


Roller Coaster

Thus a fluctuating development starts in between the conscious aspiration, devoted game towards the goal and the inherent nature pulling one back, constantly clouding, disturbing the picture, inciting the observer against those “others”.

One constantly forgets about the “sole responsibility”, about the singular governance of the creating source and returns to blame the others for their “shortcomings” in the circle again and again. Then one again remembers the “right” perception of reality, focusing on turning to the single creating force for any required changes, corrections.

As a result of the constant fluctuation, ups and downs, disconnection and reconnecting the person finally reaches the necessary level of helpless desperation bringing out a true, insatiable and irrepressible request for help.

As a result an interesting process evolves. On one hand through the invested effort, dedication towards the others one starts feeling true connection, emotional involvement developing with them, like in the case of parents gradually falling in love with an adopted child through invested efforts, presents given.

On the other as the person hears and understands that the original self has no chance of directly connecting to the source – as its inherent qualities cannot change, but remain as “weighing stones” to measure against – one finally starts distancing oneself from the feelings, desires, states awakening in that inherent self. One’s inherent, rusty anchors holding the person to the original selfish matter start to loosen.

Thus one gradually starts mingling, dissolving into those others.



As a result of the true, heartfelt request for the sake of the others, as a result of pledging for self-annulment, the power of the creating force can gradually draw my conscious observer point out of the inherently selfish, egoistic matter, placing it into the center of that mutual circle the person is asking help for.

The way one’s original perception “sees”, measures those others through negative judgement, criticism doesn’t change. But at the same time, on top of that hateful perception one starts feeling a strange new “brotherly love” urging, driving the awakening, separating conscious observer to care for those others, love them in an irrational,  “unreasonable” manner.

This love starts covering, complementing the criticism, negative judgement.

It is clear that this love is not instinctive, “natural”. One feel the absolute selfless, altruistic love of the natural creating force surging, flowing through the conscious observer point towards those others, taking them as a strong tsunami, helping them to connect and create their mutual guarantee.

One stops caring about what is happening to the self, one doesn’t even care if one receives feedback or not.

Through the received new “life force” one simply keeps asking, caring for those “others” without any obvious logical, reasonable basis.


New Life, The New Mutual “I”

All the other members of this circle go through the same process, acquiring the same clothing, selfless, altruistic intention towards the others, entering and meeting in the same center.

When these “specially clothed” individual points in the center merge together through their mutual self-nullification towards each other – like cancer cells receiving a special connective membrane allowing them to form unity in between them – they start creating a new, truly Human embryo.

First they lose their original perception seeing different bodies, faces, individual traits, characters, simply dissolving into a grey, form-less, mutual mass. Then from that formless cloud gradually they start perceiving, discerning the reality in a different way, collectively through their sustained mutual selfless, altruistic service, care and love for one another. 

It is similar to the difference of experiencing life on a single cellular level compared to the consciousness of a qualitatively much higher, multi-cellular organism.

From then on their development becomes completely different.

They start their direct education from the source by constantly comparing their actual level of similarity, comparing their capability of mutual, altruistic bestowal to the next “gold standard” they receive from the source, always projecting ahead of them their desired next state. And this process of gradually increasing similarity, constant climb towards full attainment continues until they reach total equality and a complete adhesion with the source.

As it turns out finding the “true self” and revealing, attaining the source is basically the same. By mutually building the new, common observer, growing a mature, selfless, altruistic, collective consciousness out of the initial embryo we can build our new “mutual true self” outside of our original “single cell” identity.

And to the extent this “mutual human being” acquires, clothes into the qualities, characteristics and bestowing actions of the creating source, the collective observer points reveal and attain the source through their own similar actions, comparable qualities, behavior. As the writings say, “through your actions we know you”.

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